Don’t tell yourself you ‘don’t care’ – The Irish Times

A hint from a colleague, passive-aggressive sarcasm from a family member, a “no” from a supposed friend: you know it when you hear it. When someone throws a veiled taunt, it can be hard not to take the bait. However, the comment often says more about them than it does about you.

If you loved the expensive lake view lodging you booked for the vacation and think your cabin in the woods option must have been a squeeze, let the comment fade. “You may know the perspectives of others, but you don’t need to filter your choice through that perspective,” says Dr Ciara McEnteggart, a psychologist at Perspectives Ireland. “When our actions are driven by what we want and what matters to us, it makes us less vulnerable to the perspectives of others.”

So ignore the others?

“A good habit to adopt when making a decision is to ask yourself, who is this really for? Am I doing this for myself or is it for someone else? says Dr. McEnteggart. By making your choice for yourself, and not based on how it will appear to others, you can insulate yourself from your opinions. If someone criticizes your choice, he will feel confident that it was the right choice for you.

I just don’t care

When someone else criticizes you, staying neutral or telling yourself you “don’t care” isn’t always the best tactic. Sometimes we care. “We cannot change how we feel about other people if they are important to us or if their opinion is important to us. But the best way to disconnect from someone else’s points of view is to be rock solid in our own points of view,” says McEnteggart. “It’s the confidence of knowing who you are, without filtering it through what other people think of you.”

It’s not you, it’s Me

If someone has a perspective that you’re a particular type of person, whether good or bad, that’s their perspective, says McEnteggart. “Relying on what other people think are the good things about you can also be problematic,” says McEnteggart. It’s the difference between living “inside-outside” and living “outside-inside,” she says. “Life from the inside out and choices are based on who you are, the choices you make are from the inside out. Living outside-in is where we filter our choices through someone else’s perspective. These are choices made from the outside in.”

If someone makes a pass at you, they are probably being provoked themselves. “The same process is operating in them, they are comparing. They are being influenced from the outside. It is that way of living from the outside in that is also exactly driving their behavior. Very rarely is it about you and more about them,” says McEnteggart. “People who are comfortable with themselves don’t judge others. They are not influenced by others.”

please yourself

Making decisions based on pleasing others, or doing what you think others expect, is problematic. “People often worry about how others see them. While it may seem harmless on the outside, it can really take a toll mentally and physically because we’re not prioritizing ourselves,” says McEnteggart. Start practicing saying “no” and setting limits, she says. “Saying ‘no’ isn’t selfish, it’s self-care. It gives you more energy and more time for what matters to you. That’s one way to build self-esteem out of what other people think. Focusing on you is always worth it.”

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